Written on April 22, 2015
Every Story Needs an ORIGIN STORY
They just needed people.
That was the only obstacle preventing the growth of NASA's secret Europa base. They'd tried a public campaign for volunteers but hadn't gotten any willing. Given what the NASA leaders knew about the looming fate of the human population on Earth, they couldn't do nothing; that would mean the extinction of the human race. So they'd come to a consensus that they would discreetly… draft people. Into what they called the City Under Ice (most people informally dubbed it Hoth). It was built into the mile-thick sheet of ice covering the surface of one of Jupiter's 67 moons.
They'd run the numbers and decided that a successful preservation of the human race using a series of moon colonies would call for some 2,700,000 people. God only knows what numbers they ran; how does one come up with a number like that? But that's what they settled on. So they went with a 3-year program, kidnapping drafting nine hundred thousand people from the United States each year. They were all put into stasis for the year-and-a-half journey to Jupiter; one transport left per month. The budget for this was enormous, as NASA sucked funds from all other governmental agencies to conduct the relocation, figuring the money wouldn't be going anywhere anyway if no one survived. Once in the base, recruits would be told about the dilemma on Earth and assured about their own duties to their species.
Capitalist Societies Frown Upon Idleness
"She's become a danger to the colony."
"How so? She's the most efficient worker we have. She gets done in half the time anyone else does. Who cares that she spends her spare time in her block?"
"She's antisocial. She's not willing to partake in the repopulation effort once we establish our base on Kepler. She can't do a good job of preserving our culture if she refuses to learn anything about it."
"Did you expect a base full of social butterflies? You make a weak argument."
"No, but I do expect a base full of dedicated and hard-working individuals who are honored to be a part of a repopulation effort. You'd think they'd be happy about being rewarded for having babies."
"I imagine some of them aren't nearly as excited about having no choice but to host a living, growing, demanding… thing inside of them for nine months."
"Well, when you put it that way. But that's beyond the point. The point is that she isn't fit to be a member of this colony."
"…what to you propose?"
"…Throw her at Jupiter?"
"Doesn't that seem a little extreme? Why don't we just send her back to Earth?"
"Hah! With everything she knows? Yeah, that'll work out real well."
"Is that a hint of disrespect I hear in your voice, Lieutenant Commander Bast?"
"No, ma’am. I just advise you that it would be unwise to send her back with all that she knows about the colony and about the state of the Earth."
"I do agree with you there, I suppose…"
"What do you suggest we do, Commander?"
"…I authorize you to send her out in an emergency escape vehicle and maroon her in orbit around Jupiter. Resistance may be met with un-lethal means of suppression."
"Thank you, Commander. If there's nothing else to be discussed, I must make preparations."
"Very well. I expect to know when the deed is done, Lieutenant Commander."
"Of course."
Rebel Against Capitalism By Appearing to Be Idle; Save Humanity by Not Really Being Idle
Petty Officer Gweneth Washington didn’t like being around people. They were loud, disorderly, unpredictable. She liked the work on the Europa base; it was straightforward, simple, easily understandable. Like math, like physics. That’s why she spent all her free time in her incense-scented block (the only room in the entire base that didn’t reek of disinfectant and bleach), puzzling over her life’s work with the help of Skinny Steve (her cat whom she’d smuggled onto the base when she’d been drafted). Said life’s work was scrawled across an ElectroBoard taking up an entire wall of her greyscale quarters, countless equations and figures attempting to use quantum teleportation to transport macro- and hopefully, organic- objects through space.
At this moment Gweneth was scribbling something down with her stylus, straining to reach the top of the board where she’d begun a new column of expressions. Standing back, she took a look at the big picture. Her eyes opened wide and on its own her mouth whispered, “Eureka!” Her joy was short-lived, however, as a heavy blow to the back of her head knocked her to the cold concrete floor and rendered her completely unconscious.
What is With That Cat Like Literally How…?
Gweneth awoke with a start, mostly because she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes shot open, only to be shrouded in darkness and covered in cat hair. She had to shove Skinny Steve off her face before she could sit up, gasp for air, and take in her surroundings.
She… was on a lifeboat. Why she was on a lifeboat was a mystery to her, but she could tell from the orange color scheme (a sweet change from all the neutral grey of the base) and the distinct smell of sulfur that leaked in whenever the vessel was used for an in-orbit spacewalk. It was surprisingly spacious- she estimated the space to be about… ten feet square? There was a large, round window occupying one wall, and through it she could see that she was in a close orbit around Jupiter. In front of this window was a control console. Upon attempting to take the boat out of Jupiter’s orbit, she found that navigational controls had been disabled. Realization dawned: they marooned her. Right when she could have helped them help everyone on Earth. Who knew how long it would take them to solve the problem of faster-than-light travel? And even if they did, she doubted they’d use it to save everyone on Earth; the logistics of that were just too complicated. They needed her, they needed her equations.
Gweneth didn’t care. She could do this on her own if she needed to. She just needed a few things, all of which she figured she could find in the vessel’s now-useless engines.
“Alright, Skinny Steve, time for a spacewalk.”
If This Were In Comic Format, There Would Be An Entire Page Saying “Meanwhile, back on the Europa Base…” But It’s Not So Here We Are
“Dr. Weaving is here, to see you, Commander Barrett. They insist that it’s urgent.”
“They didn’t schedule a meeting.”
“They’re aware. They say it’s very important or they wouldn’t be bothering you without calling ahead.”
The Commander sighed. She didn’t understand why people couldn’t just call ahead, if only a few minutes in advance. What was the point of having an instant intercom system and an instant messaging system if people didn’t use it? “Alright, fine, send them in.”
“Yes, ma’am.” The secretary disappeared and was replaced by the dark, hesitant face of one Dr. Weaving, resident astrophysicist and expert on Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity.
“Commander Barrett,” they said, bowing their head briefly.
“Dr. Weaving. I understand you have something of great urgency to discuss with me. Is it concerning our pursuit of faster-than-light travel?”
“Yes, yes it is! I was working in the lab this afternoon, running numbers, checking up on some experiments, you know, the usual type of thing. There’s this experiment we had going on concerning higher, unperceivable dimensions in the context of interstellar travel, and I was looking at the results from that and I- wow! Okay, I need to find my chill. My apologies, Commander. A moment, please.” Weaving hardly stopped to breathe as they spoke, but finally took a moment to look down at the floor and calm them-self down before continuing. “I figured out how to do it! I figured out how to travel faster than light without the time warp!”
“How fast can you have the designated vessel prepared to do so?” Yes, this was an exciting time for the human race and Commander Barret was jumping for joy on the inside, but she had priorities, and number one was getting to Kepler-22b and establishing a permanent colony.
“Oh, it shouldn’t take long at all, actually. Hours, tops.”
“Then there isn’t time to waste. Head to engineering and ensure that they make the appropriate changes to the ship.”
“Yes, ma’am! Immediately!!” Dr. Weaving practically skipped out of the office with the most ridiculous grin on their face. Commander Barret got to work making sure every division made it onto the N.A.S.A.S. Useless Bay before it- she’d always wanted to be able to say this- warped on its way to the Kepler system.
Cross Your Fingers And Pray The Transporter Doesn’t Malfunction
After a matter of hours, Gweneth finally had all the parts for what she insisted on calling the Hella Teleporty (despite Skinny Steve’s rather loud shouts of protest), and finally had them all where they needed to be for it to work. All she needed to do now was to plug in some numbers and press go. She had literally taken a button from the control console (one that had originally been used for piloting the ship), Sharpied the word “GO” on it, and used it as the activation button for the Hella Teleporty, because she had a sense for the tastefully dramatic.
Finding the coordinates she needed was fairly easy; she may not have had piloting ability of the lifeboat, but she could still access Hoth’s databases, and all that stuff was in there, constantly ensured to be up-to-date.
Gweneth plugged the numbers into Hella Teleporty, crossed her fingers, and punched GO. Her surroundings immediately melted away.
How Do You Expect to Maroon Me… When I Am Already Here? And Did A Better Job of Saving Humanity Than You
Gweneth was surprised to land on solid ground when she rematerialized. She was even more surprised to be surrounded by (very confused) people and a handful of half-transported buildings amid the vast grassland, which was broken occasionally by huge bodies of liquid water. Damn, those fellas at NASA hadn’t been kidding about Kepler-22b being a promising Earth alternative. The air was even breathable, which was a relief.
A deafening whoomp broke the din of the puzzled humans; only Gweneth seemed to recognize it as the sound of a large ship hitting the atmosphere. Did that mean NASA had figured out faster-than-light travel in the mere hours she’d been away? It was either that or aliens.
The answer became apparent when she looked up and saw none other than the N.A.S.A.S Useless Bay herself- a beautiful, angular ship of unimaginable size- descending slowly toward one of the larger bodies of water with its landing braces out like a bird settling on a branch. Its vibrations swept through the air, rattling the very bones and causing the solid earth (er… Kepler?) beneath them to shudder in anticipation.
With the way it landed, the primary door wasn’t far from where Gweneth was standing. She ran closer, as close as she could get before it opened. She knew who would exit first.
When the hatch came down, out stepped the commanding officers from the Europa base (and that weird official scientist- what was their name? Weaver? Whimper?) ; Admiral Opal, Captain Nakadai, Commander Barrett, and Lieutenant Commander Bast. Gweneth had no doubt that the Commander had given the orders to maroon her (even if she didn’t know why). She knew how these things worked, and the Commander was her division head, so it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Barrett had a harder time figuring out how Gweneth was standing in front of her now, though, as she stopped in her tracks, wide-eyed, and turned to Bast.
“Petty Officer Washington?? You said you marooned her! Why is she here? Who are all these people??”
“I-I don’t know! Washington, answer the Commander’s questions!” Gweneth could see the Lieutenant Commander begin to sweat nervously.
“I’m not answering any questions from someone who tried to leave me behind around Jupiter with nothing to live by, not even food,” Gweneth replied defiantly. When Skinny Steve rubbed against her leg, she kept talking. “Not even anything for my cat. That’d’a been the least you could have done, ma’am.
“I won’t tell you who these people are or how I got here, but I will say one thing: y’all suck at saving humanity and I kinda have to wonder who put you in charge. At least I actually managed to get something useful done,” she remarked, gesturing to the people all around, gathered now in small groups and marveling at the ship in front of them. “Now maybe you can start putting up shelters and, you know, building a colony, and you know what?
“We’ll call it good.”
They just needed people.
That was the only obstacle preventing the growth of NASA's secret Europa base. They'd tried a public campaign for volunteers but hadn't gotten any willing. Given what the NASA leaders knew about the looming fate of the human population on Earth, they couldn't do nothing; that would mean the extinction of the human race. So they'd come to a consensus that they would discreetly… draft people. Into what they called the City Under Ice (most people informally dubbed it Hoth). It was built into the mile-thick sheet of ice covering the surface of one of Jupiter's 67 moons.
They'd run the numbers and decided that a successful preservation of the human race using a series of moon colonies would call for some 2,700,000 people. God only knows what numbers they ran; how does one come up with a number like that? But that's what they settled on. So they went with a 3-year program, kidnapping drafting nine hundred thousand people from the United States each year. They were all put into stasis for the year-and-a-half journey to Jupiter; one transport left per month. The budget for this was enormous, as NASA sucked funds from all other governmental agencies to conduct the relocation, figuring the money wouldn't be going anywhere anyway if no one survived. Once in the base, recruits would be told about the dilemma on Earth and assured about their own duties to their species.
Capitalist Societies Frown Upon Idleness
"She's become a danger to the colony."
"How so? She's the most efficient worker we have. She gets done in half the time anyone else does. Who cares that she spends her spare time in her block?"
"She's antisocial. She's not willing to partake in the repopulation effort once we establish our base on Kepler. She can't do a good job of preserving our culture if she refuses to learn anything about it."
"Did you expect a base full of social butterflies? You make a weak argument."
"No, but I do expect a base full of dedicated and hard-working individuals who are honored to be a part of a repopulation effort. You'd think they'd be happy about being rewarded for having babies."
"I imagine some of them aren't nearly as excited about having no choice but to host a living, growing, demanding… thing inside of them for nine months."
"Well, when you put it that way. But that's beyond the point. The point is that she isn't fit to be a member of this colony."
"…what to you propose?"
"…Throw her at Jupiter?"
"Doesn't that seem a little extreme? Why don't we just send her back to Earth?"
"Hah! With everything she knows? Yeah, that'll work out real well."
"Is that a hint of disrespect I hear in your voice, Lieutenant Commander Bast?"
"No, ma’am. I just advise you that it would be unwise to send her back with all that she knows about the colony and about the state of the Earth."
"I do agree with you there, I suppose…"
"What do you suggest we do, Commander?"
"…I authorize you to send her out in an emergency escape vehicle and maroon her in orbit around Jupiter. Resistance may be met with un-lethal means of suppression."
"Thank you, Commander. If there's nothing else to be discussed, I must make preparations."
"Very well. I expect to know when the deed is done, Lieutenant Commander."
"Of course."
Rebel Against Capitalism By Appearing to Be Idle; Save Humanity by Not Really Being Idle
Petty Officer Gweneth Washington didn’t like being around people. They were loud, disorderly, unpredictable. She liked the work on the Europa base; it was straightforward, simple, easily understandable. Like math, like physics. That’s why she spent all her free time in her incense-scented block (the only room in the entire base that didn’t reek of disinfectant and bleach), puzzling over her life’s work with the help of Skinny Steve (her cat whom she’d smuggled onto the base when she’d been drafted). Said life’s work was scrawled across an ElectroBoard taking up an entire wall of her greyscale quarters, countless equations and figures attempting to use quantum teleportation to transport macro- and hopefully, organic- objects through space.
At this moment Gweneth was scribbling something down with her stylus, straining to reach the top of the board where she’d begun a new column of expressions. Standing back, she took a look at the big picture. Her eyes opened wide and on its own her mouth whispered, “Eureka!” Her joy was short-lived, however, as a heavy blow to the back of her head knocked her to the cold concrete floor and rendered her completely unconscious.
What is With That Cat Like Literally How…?
Gweneth awoke with a start, mostly because she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes shot open, only to be shrouded in darkness and covered in cat hair. She had to shove Skinny Steve off her face before she could sit up, gasp for air, and take in her surroundings.
She… was on a lifeboat. Why she was on a lifeboat was a mystery to her, but she could tell from the orange color scheme (a sweet change from all the neutral grey of the base) and the distinct smell of sulfur that leaked in whenever the vessel was used for an in-orbit spacewalk. It was surprisingly spacious- she estimated the space to be about… ten feet square? There was a large, round window occupying one wall, and through it she could see that she was in a close orbit around Jupiter. In front of this window was a control console. Upon attempting to take the boat out of Jupiter’s orbit, she found that navigational controls had been disabled. Realization dawned: they marooned her. Right when she could have helped them help everyone on Earth. Who knew how long it would take them to solve the problem of faster-than-light travel? And even if they did, she doubted they’d use it to save everyone on Earth; the logistics of that were just too complicated. They needed her, they needed her equations.
Gweneth didn’t care. She could do this on her own if she needed to. She just needed a few things, all of which she figured she could find in the vessel’s now-useless engines.
“Alright, Skinny Steve, time for a spacewalk.”
If This Were In Comic Format, There Would Be An Entire Page Saying “Meanwhile, back on the Europa Base…” But It’s Not So Here We Are
“Dr. Weaving is here, to see you, Commander Barrett. They insist that it’s urgent.”
“They didn’t schedule a meeting.”
“They’re aware. They say it’s very important or they wouldn’t be bothering you without calling ahead.”
The Commander sighed. She didn’t understand why people couldn’t just call ahead, if only a few minutes in advance. What was the point of having an instant intercom system and an instant messaging system if people didn’t use it? “Alright, fine, send them in.”
“Yes, ma’am.” The secretary disappeared and was replaced by the dark, hesitant face of one Dr. Weaving, resident astrophysicist and expert on Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity.
“Commander Barrett,” they said, bowing their head briefly.
“Dr. Weaving. I understand you have something of great urgency to discuss with me. Is it concerning our pursuit of faster-than-light travel?”
“Yes, yes it is! I was working in the lab this afternoon, running numbers, checking up on some experiments, you know, the usual type of thing. There’s this experiment we had going on concerning higher, unperceivable dimensions in the context of interstellar travel, and I was looking at the results from that and I- wow! Okay, I need to find my chill. My apologies, Commander. A moment, please.” Weaving hardly stopped to breathe as they spoke, but finally took a moment to look down at the floor and calm them-self down before continuing. “I figured out how to do it! I figured out how to travel faster than light without the time warp!”
“How fast can you have the designated vessel prepared to do so?” Yes, this was an exciting time for the human race and Commander Barret was jumping for joy on the inside, but she had priorities, and number one was getting to Kepler-22b and establishing a permanent colony.
“Oh, it shouldn’t take long at all, actually. Hours, tops.”
“Then there isn’t time to waste. Head to engineering and ensure that they make the appropriate changes to the ship.”
“Yes, ma’am! Immediately!!” Dr. Weaving practically skipped out of the office with the most ridiculous grin on their face. Commander Barret got to work making sure every division made it onto the N.A.S.A.S. Useless Bay before it- she’d always wanted to be able to say this- warped on its way to the Kepler system.
Cross Your Fingers And Pray The Transporter Doesn’t Malfunction
After a matter of hours, Gweneth finally had all the parts for what she insisted on calling the Hella Teleporty (despite Skinny Steve’s rather loud shouts of protest), and finally had them all where they needed to be for it to work. All she needed to do now was to plug in some numbers and press go. She had literally taken a button from the control console (one that had originally been used for piloting the ship), Sharpied the word “GO” on it, and used it as the activation button for the Hella Teleporty, because she had a sense for the tastefully dramatic.
Finding the coordinates she needed was fairly easy; she may not have had piloting ability of the lifeboat, but she could still access Hoth’s databases, and all that stuff was in there, constantly ensured to be up-to-date.
Gweneth plugged the numbers into Hella Teleporty, crossed her fingers, and punched GO. Her surroundings immediately melted away.
How Do You Expect to Maroon Me… When I Am Already Here? And Did A Better Job of Saving Humanity Than You
Gweneth was surprised to land on solid ground when she rematerialized. She was even more surprised to be surrounded by (very confused) people and a handful of half-transported buildings amid the vast grassland, which was broken occasionally by huge bodies of liquid water. Damn, those fellas at NASA hadn’t been kidding about Kepler-22b being a promising Earth alternative. The air was even breathable, which was a relief.
A deafening whoomp broke the din of the puzzled humans; only Gweneth seemed to recognize it as the sound of a large ship hitting the atmosphere. Did that mean NASA had figured out faster-than-light travel in the mere hours she’d been away? It was either that or aliens.
The answer became apparent when she looked up and saw none other than the N.A.S.A.S Useless Bay herself- a beautiful, angular ship of unimaginable size- descending slowly toward one of the larger bodies of water with its landing braces out like a bird settling on a branch. Its vibrations swept through the air, rattling the very bones and causing the solid earth (er… Kepler?) beneath them to shudder in anticipation.
With the way it landed, the primary door wasn’t far from where Gweneth was standing. She ran closer, as close as she could get before it opened. She knew who would exit first.
When the hatch came down, out stepped the commanding officers from the Europa base (and that weird official scientist- what was their name? Weaver? Whimper?) ; Admiral Opal, Captain Nakadai, Commander Barrett, and Lieutenant Commander Bast. Gweneth had no doubt that the Commander had given the orders to maroon her (even if she didn’t know why). She knew how these things worked, and the Commander was her division head, so it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. Barrett had a harder time figuring out how Gweneth was standing in front of her now, though, as she stopped in her tracks, wide-eyed, and turned to Bast.
“Petty Officer Washington?? You said you marooned her! Why is she here? Who are all these people??”
“I-I don’t know! Washington, answer the Commander’s questions!” Gweneth could see the Lieutenant Commander begin to sweat nervously.
“I’m not answering any questions from someone who tried to leave me behind around Jupiter with nothing to live by, not even food,” Gweneth replied defiantly. When Skinny Steve rubbed against her leg, she kept talking. “Not even anything for my cat. That’d’a been the least you could have done, ma’am.
“I won’t tell you who these people are or how I got here, but I will say one thing: y’all suck at saving humanity and I kinda have to wonder who put you in charge. At least I actually managed to get something useful done,” she remarked, gesturing to the people all around, gathered now in small groups and marveling at the ship in front of them. “Now maybe you can start putting up shelters and, you know, building a colony, and you know what?
“We’ll call it good.”